zondag 17 april 2011


Probably this will be a rambling post, and it is, because i'm confused. And sad. Most of all sad, heartbroken. I have to write my thoughts down, to let it go, for comfort maybe.  My thoughts are wandering and spinning. I don't know where to begin. There is no begin and certainly no end because of all the questions who never will be answered. Maybe the best thing is to write this down sec and clear. To assure myself that this is the truth. The naked, hard truth.
Last friday my eldest son brought home some terrible news. He phoned me from school. A schoolfriend of him took his own life. A cry (What??!!), disbelief, silence. Because there are no words for this. And suddenly the sun was shining too bright. I tried to comfort my son, but how do you do that after such tragic news? The teachers took good care of the students and the kids also took good care of each other. Ofcourse everybody was in shock. I couldn't wait to have my son home and take him in my arms. His friend was his age, only fourteen.  
The last view days we have such beautiful weather, but i couldn't enjoy the sun, i couldn't enjoy the happy people on the streets. It all seems so unfair. I worry about my son because at moments he feels very angry or depressed. Understandable ofcourse. Fortunately he knows that his parents are there for him.
What breaks my heart most of all is the understanding that this kid didn't feel he was worthwhile, that there were people who cared. To imagine him climbing all the stairs. And he had done that before several times so it seemed. What went through his head? This loneliness is almost unbearable to me. And there was no note. Only silence. And questions who never will be answered.

Ofcourse you are trying to find some explanations. So you can try to understand the why.
my son said
"maybe there wasn't enough love for him. Maybe the love of friends wasn't enough."
My heart broke. And i know for sure my son is heartbroken. I only can take away the pain a bit with love and understanding.  But my son's search for an explanation somehow comforted him. He can understand it a bit if the reason is a lack of  love. Because everybody needs love.
And i realise this so clear; even gawky kids in their puberty who act indifferent and if they don't care at all  need  a stroke on the head once in awhile.  Even more perhaps. Although they are tall and in between boy and man, at heart they're still a child. I didn't know this kid very well, i mean i didn't look at him very closely. He was like the other kids, like my son: tall, indifferent, funny also and playing tough. I feel sorry i didn't see the little boy.
I feel heartbroken for all kids, the lonely ones ánd the happy ones, because life sometimes is so very confusing. I feel heartbroken for my son, the brother and sister and most of all for the parents. I do hope they allow the sun to shine in their life, although it shines too bright now. I can imagine. I feel heartbroken for the kid who was so very alone his last steps, his last thoughts. I hope he can feel love now and the feeling that he's worthwhile. Always......