zondag 6 februari 2011


Lately my restlessness is driving me crazy. And worst of all: i'm suffering from that of which i thought it would never get me > old age. 
Old? Old!!?  I'm only 52, the devil is old, right?
Old age means melancholy. Such a beautiful word. Sometimes, very rarely, i used this beautiful word to express an intense feeling. What did í know? The meaning of this word, the deep intense meaning. The bittersweet emotion it gives you. I didn't know it. I thought i did, the arrogance of youth, but i didn't know the meaning and the emotion. Far from it. Far from it.... 
The true meaning, the right emotion i know just since a short while. But then again.... Maybe this emotion, of which i think i can see through its meaning,  is but a very small atom of reality. What is reality? See?  I think and i think and i think. 

Just right now there  was this song on the radio. A clear girlish voice sings about a lost love. And what girls do when that happens. That's what single girls do, lala lala....  I started to cry. Just like that. That happens more often lately. Crying about nothing. Crying about everything. 
I'm not a single girl. My love is walking my road for a very long time now. Our road. Still, i have lost a love also. The love from the girl inside of me. Or no, i haven't lost her, i'm still a girl at heart and i'm grateful for that. But the world doesn't see the girl because she is hiding herself in this body of mine. This aging body. 
I used to laugh at women who were complaining about aging.  
"Come on, get real, it's part of life. I wouldn't be such an exagerator."
Today i say; sorry ladies, that laughter of mine was the arrogance of youth. I didn't know any better. I didn't know the meaning of aging. The melancholy it brings. I didn't feel it. Far from it. 
And now it has taken me by the hand.  It devours me. I feel it. Heavily. And i cry for the girl in me. I laugh at my ignorance. I cry for nothing. I cry for everything. It aches. It feels good. It aches.

9 opmerkingen:

  1. My dear, you are so right! We think we know everything when we are young, about life, about an aching heart, but age brings a different pain, deeper and stronger. There is no more youthful melodrama, but the beast that can take hold of you when you are older is far more dangerous and tenacious. I know too well those days when the restlessness and darkness take hold, even if there are so many things in your life you can feel happy and proud about! Even if you are loved. I hope the beast will leave you soon and not pay another visit for a long long time! Know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending you some love and light from far away.

  2. ah .. Monica,
    As I understand you! I feel so ...
    look in the mirror and see a stranger, not me, but inside of me still the same girl, just like you said ... only that everything is now more difficult, more tiring, and no patience! is the lack of estrogen, for sure ... also cry for nothing! and just want to know if I am fulfilling my mission in the world ...
    are stages, we have to go through with
    'some wisdom'!
    comfort you, saying you're not alone ...
    here so far, my heart, soul and mind
    are uneasy about these changes!
    courage to us!
    a big big real hug for you!!!

  3. this is soooo beautiful.
    ahhh DEAR, you are so brave and sicere... i love you for this ....
    and doesn't matter how hard you try to convince me that you're geting older... I can only see you as a little naive girl ... maybe this is they way i am going to meet you in heaven . Doesn't matter what this life have done with you , wasn't able to take the inocence from your heart.

    Let say this ... i know it is totaly diferent between men and women ... but my life started at 30 and i am loving myself more and more everyday ... the time has been so good to me .
    Maybe we are learned that age is bad... I think it relieses us from stupidity ....age is freedom , i love this .
    i love you my sweet girl .

  4. allemaal heb ik ze in me, het kind, het jonge meisje de jonge vrouw en de moeder. Zit allemaal opgeborgen in dit ouder wordende lichaam en eigenlijk voel ik me daardoor steeds rijker.
    Wat minder en minder wordt is de onzekerheid, de afhankelijkheid van andere meningen en het anderen naar de zin willen maken.
    Het is nog niet zo lang maar ik durf je te bekennen dat ik het steeds beter kan vinden met dit ouder wordende mens.
    Ik wilde dat ik je die rust kon geven.

  5. Dear Gabriella,
    to think you know everything already is also the charm of youth. I don't think that the pain is deeper and stronger when aging, pain is pain, and so is sorrow. But the melancholy, the missing is deeper and stronger for sure.
    Yes, the beast is more dangerous and tenacious, and the beast is very tempting also sometimes.
    Aging gives a new, different kind of corage to face it and to tame this beast.
    Don't worry my sweet friend, because i am a positive thinker along the way. I always find the light again.
    Kisses and more kisses!

  6. Ha, dear Denise,

    yes it's the lack of estrogon for sure. I wanted to write a last line (warning) in this post for the men: don't you DARE to call it transition/change. LOL But part of it is ofcourse. My love handles my changing moods with humour and that's great. It's the best way i think.
    Thanks dear, for letting me know i am not alone and for reaching your hand towards me.
    Courage for us and all who are dealing with this. Harry Kent is bringing comfort also writing/painting about this....

    A real huge hug for you sweet Denise.

  7. Hi Caio, sweet friend of mine. I LOVE you too, thank you. :-)

    I am so happy that you see the girl (also), and that you feel the innocense of my heart. I am so happy life didn't that take away from me. Thanks for reminding me this.
    This is such a beautiful dream Caio, one day our souls meet each other for sure. I'm convinced of this. Ofcourse our souls have met already, but on another level i mean. I know you understand....

    Dear man, i can assure you it's totally different for men and women. Women are done when reaching some kind of age. And our western culture is idolizing youth too much. Look at all the little girls dressed up as women in the fashion magazines. How can my aging face compete with young babyfaces without wrinkles?
    But i know that's not what it's all about. So i'm a bit bothered to get influenced by these glossy's.
    I know, and i'm sure you know this too: youth is not (only) skindeep but in the heart. If your heart is'nt a girl, well.... :-)

    And you are so right: age is freedom for sure. Luckily i can feel this also.
    Thanks my friend for the comment.
    I love you too, wonderful man.

  8. Lieve Martine,

    ik hoop dat dit geschreven stukje ook duidelijk weergeeft dat het ouder worden soms melancholie brengt maar zeker ook geluk. Want dit gevoel wat ik niet eerder zo heb ervaren is natuurlijk rijkdom, meer diepte van mijn ziel. En de pijn die het brengt is een zoete pijn.
    Ja, de afhankelijkheid van wat anderen zeggen of denken, die afhankelijkheid neemt af en dat is idd zo heerlijk! Vroeger ging ik NOOIT de deur uit zonder make up enz... Nu ga ik vaak au naturel en ik had het er met een vriendin over; wat heerlijk dat deze rust er nu is. Neem me maar zoals ik ben.
    Dank voor je lieve reactie en die brengt al wat rust en zekerheid.
    En ik weet, eens is de dag van totale acceptatie daar. Dit wetende maakt de onrust al meer draaglijk.

  9. and just as melancholy takes our hand with an old lost love (even of the self, the younger self) so it takes our hand with our lost youth, but melancholy adds to the depth of love now, to the depth of our being now. it is dual headed. it says, be sad, but it also says, there is a reason to be sad; life is at hand and my god, look at the volume of it! it consumes and gives, consumes and gives.

    you are beautiful. melancholy is beautiful. oh, it is not easy nor can it be easily dismissed, but it gives as much as it takes.